Daily Wahnsinn

You wanna know what’s awesome? THIS GIRL is awesome!

I weighed in at Weight Watchers this morning and despite Wednesday’s dinner, Thursday’s museum extravaganza and Sunday’s banana chocolate crepes, I managed to lose 1.4 lbs. I’m now almost back to my all-time low of early August. I’m currently at 151.4 lbs. Only about another 20 lbs away from my goal weight. I had a “skinny moment” yesterday when I looked at myself in the mirror and just felt slimmer and leaner. Running is definitely paying off. I can see and feel it in my glutes and quads. I’m always trying not to get my hopes up whenever I have a skinny moment because I know the scale can be tricky, but I’m glad my feeling was right and I lost a good amount of weight.

They’re apparently scouting new people for the Weight Watchers magazine to share their success story. One of the staff members asked me whether I’d like to leave my contact information and then took a couple of pictures. She did this of pretty much everybody, so who knows whether they’ll pick me, but if they did, it would be kinda awesome. Me in a magazine, professional styling, horrible Before Picture (I have a bunch!) et all. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Tonight I’m finally getting my hair cut. I’m excited.

I weighed in this morning and after having huge hopes, it turns out I maintained. I’m exactly where I was last week. Maintenance means not gaining – which is good – but it also means not losing – which is unfortunate.  I know I did well this week (despite the Happy Hour on Friday and the Pad Thai on Sunday), so I’m putting it down to the fact that I’ve had a very large dinner late last night. I might not have been done digesting that when I stepped on the scale and if I were to weigh in again tonight, it might look different. I feel slimmer, so I’ll see what the measuring tape says tomorrow morning/this weekend.

One annoying thing I’ve noticed lately is that one of my old, bad habits has crept back into my life. I don’t know why because I don’t feel like I’ve changed anything that might’ve led to this directly, but yeah, annoying. In the past, I used to wake up in the middle of the night (between 2 and 4) and I’d make a beeline for the fridge and eat. Some days, I’d actually think I was hungry, other days I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I was on my third teaspoon of Nutella.

When I first started Weight Watchers, I somehow managed to break the habit but as I said, recently, it’s come back. I’ve managed to stay away from things that I’d have to allocate points to, so I don’t go over my points allowance. I try to use them up by the end of the day. So it’s not like I’m eating spoonfuls of peanut butter or pasta salad, but I’m definitely snacking on fruit and vegetables, still adding calories I don’t even need. I’m aware that it could be worse but it’s still a habit that’s not good for me. Last night it happened again and I ended up eating half of those huge pineapple containers you can buy at Whole Foods, while still being half asleep.

Here’s what I realized in the morning: I ate a HUGE dinner. There was no way I could possibly have been hungry. I mean, I knew that my nocturnal eating sprees are not because of hunger. Appetite, maybe sometimes, but not hunger. I don’t go to bed hungry and I don’t usually go to bed that early that what I’ve eaten shouldn’t last me until the next morning. My guess is that I oftentimes mistake thirst for hunger, but even keeping water near my bed (which I do!) doesn’t make me reach for the water instead. I talked to my Weight Watchers coach about it this morning and he suggested I try some flavored drinks, like Crystal Light or some cold tea because I might be craving some flavor. I think tonight I’ll just make some tea and fill it up in a bottle to keep by the bed. Hopefully that’ll help break the annoying habit again.

Any other tips?

I am awesome and have managed to gain 1.2 lbs.

I’m now pretty much back to my August 2 weight and while I know it’s too early to speak of a plateau, it definitely feels like a giant step back. I’m trying to not get discouraged by this set back because I know that they happen. I know that I need to refocus and simply continue giving my best every day. It’s funny because today’s topic at my weekly Weight Watchers meeting was about getting back to the basics and refreshing the main program components. It’s almost ironic.

However, staying positive is a little hard today. Not because of my giant slip up last Thursday, but because September finally came around. When I first started losing weight, I had set myself the goal to be done by the end of September. I currently have 22.8 lbs to lose until my UGW. Now, not only is it impossible to lose this much by the end of the month, it’s also unhealthy for me, so obviously I don’t want that. A few weeks ago I’ve come to terms with the fact that there’s no way I can meet this goal. And I’m honestly ok with it. However, right now I feel like I’m taking constant steps back and I’m actually moving away from my goal. I have set December 31 as the new deadline for my UGW, but if I look at the weekly average I’d have to lose in order to reach this goal, I’m not sure I can even do that.

And that’s disappointing. It makes me feel like I’m a giant failure. Like, really? It takes you 12 months to lose all this weight?

Some days I just want to give up. I look at all the other girls who don’t seem to struggle with their weight and how they just eat and drink whatever they want and I wonder what I’m doing wrong and why I even bother. Then I also look at the girls who might struggle but don’t seem to care and eat and drink whatever they want and again, I wonder what I’m doing wrong and why I even bother. It makes me wonder whether it’s really even worth it. The fact that I’m second guessing every single bite I take, that I agonize over everything I eat to the point that it’s stressful and where  judge myself for eating (at least when I’m not getting the results I’m hoping for). I know it is because I’ve never felt so confident in my body as I do now (despite me and my weight not seeing eye-to-eye today), I’m still proud of my achievements. I feel stronger, but boy, is it stressful. I feel like I’m facing a giant wall with no way around it.

Today was a good meeting at Weight Watchers though. I received some great encouragement and I think I’ll use tonight to read through some of the program material again and try to refocus. I’ll also try to be less focused on food. Sure, I’ll keep track of what I eat, but right now, I feel like my mind revolves around food 24/7. What I can or cannot eat, what others can eat that I cannot eat, etc. I’ll also try and cut down on the snacking, especially after dinner and on fruit. Eating a dessert after dinner (even if it’s usually some fruit with a bit of Greek yogurt) has become such a habit that it’s led me to overeating several times. Generally, I’ve constantly felt hungry in the last few weeks and the constant stream of “you’re not hungry, you’re not hungry” has been giving me some additional stress. But I can do this. I did it before. I can get back on track, listen to my body and treat it well. The settings are different now, sure, but my body and I have adapted to a new situation in the past and we can do it again and overcome this hurdle together.

This post was brought to you by an insomnia-induced-sleep deficit.

I weighed in this morning and lost 0.4 lbs. It’s a little less than I had hoped (déjà vu from last week?), but again, a loss is a loss. I’m now at 151.6 lbs (68.7 kg), which makes for a total weight loss of 44.1 lbs (20.1 kg). My lowest weight was the second week of August at 151.2 lbs, the week before my birthday. I started August at 152.0 lbs so overall, I’ve only lost 0.4 lbs, but that’s fine. I’ve felt myself getting stronger and I think also more toned, so I’m not too upset about the slow progress. Funny enough, next Weight Watchers meeting will be about re-starting and I think I’ll be able to talk a little about the challenges I’ve been facing since I moved to the US. It is a fact that my weight loss has slowed down drastically and I’m happy for any tips that’ll help me speed it up again without turning my new lifestyle into a constant clusterfuck of stress.

Let’s look at my goals in detail:

• Drop to 147 lbs. - Eh, no. I knew the goal was really ambitious but with being sick and then my birthday, there was no way I could reach it. It would’ve meant a loss of more than 1 lb a week. As I said above, I’m not too upset about missing this goal. Despite everything, August was a good month for me. I’ll see it as a maintenance test month and I’m happy to realize that I’ll be able to be really social while still holding my weight once I’ve reached my UGW. So no, I’m not too upset about missing this one.
• Try at least one new food each week. - I continue doing well on this one! New foods I’ve tried this month include green tomatoes. I’d never had green tomatoes before because I couldn’t get the idea of “not ripe/poisonous” out of my head. Of course they are ripe and they taste just like red tomatoes. I didn’t specifically order them but ate them when they came in my salad, so maybe they don’t technically count. I also tried these new foods: oysters, donut peaches, pluots, apricots, kale, almond milk and black chai tea. The only real keepers were the oysters, peaches, almond milk and the tea. I’m not too crazy about the pluots, apricots and kale.
• Get my exercise groove back. Exercise five times a week. - Sadly not really. During sick week, I exercised once, the other weeks I exercised 3 – 4 a week. Which is not horrible, but obviously, not as much as I had planned.
• Go swimming once a week. Make use of this stupid membership I have!! - Also not really. I haven’t used the gym membership this month, I think. However, I went swimming last week during the company outing. I mostly walked and ran this month, however the last two weeks I’ve been better at mixing up my exercise. I’ve included pilates, yoga and swimming and overall, this is a good thing.

Today was our annual summer party. I managed to attend my weekly Weight Watchers meeting before the bus took us to the country club outside NY where we were going to spend the day.

Today was my second to last weigh in for August and I lost 0.6 lbs. It’s less than I had hoped for after my 1.4 lbs post-birthday gain last week, but it’s a loss nonetheless and I’m trying to be positive about it. It puts me right right back at 152.0 lbs, my August starting weight. My original goal for August was to drop to 147 lbs. Which seems neither achievable nor healthy until next week, so I guess I’m missing that first goal. Considering August has been pretty wild, if it ends up a “maintaining month”, then I guess that’s fine too. I just don’t want to gain next week.

We headed to our annual company summer party next and quite frankly, I’d been a little anxious about it. It was a whole-day get-away and while it was awesome to spend some time outside the city, it also meant lack of control (mostly!) over the type of food available to me and many, many temptations in the form of alcohol. I’ve become pretty good about limiting myself to one or two drinks. But not being able to plan food like I would at home is and always will be a challenge to me. I did bring some afternoon snacks (carrots, grape tomatoes, baked crackers and fruit - left the crackers and fruit over), just in case I was going to starve between lunch and dinner.

Once we got there, the day started with some team activities (maybe 30 - 45 minutes) of games where you had to run around a little, toss a water balloon, that kind of stuff. I gladly participated because I saw it as additional exercise for the day. After that, lunch was served and I ate half a sandwich and some salad, so I did pretty well - despite the fact that it was a buffet, which make it harder to portion control.

We were free in the afternoon to play basketball, football, tennis or just hang out by the pool. I had brought a bathing suit and wasn’t sure whether I was going to actually ever lose the cover-up because, despite having lost the weight I lost, I’m still self-conscious about the way I look, my cellulite, my extremely pale skin and the way you always think every other girl is prettier than you. I wasn’t sure whether I was going to be ready to show my body to my co-workers. But once I saw the pool there was no way I could not get in there. It was long and mostly empty with several lanes set out for lap swimming. So I tried to forget about my insecurities and just went in. I ended up swimming laps for 60 minutes, my exercise for the day. When I started I told myself I’d do 30 minutes and then I’d see how I feel. I somehow missed the 30 minutes mark and all of a sudden I was at 40 minutes. So I decided I could keep going another 5 and make it 45. And after that, I just kept going even more until I did one hour. That felt really good.

We continued hanging by the pool in the afternoon, I kept myself in check while a few people went crazy with the drinks and drinking games - even after I got invited in twice to play with the crew. Maybe it’s antisocial, but I mostly dislike the taste of beer and just drinking it for the sake of a drinking game seems stupid to me. If I’m going to undo some of the previous weight loss success I’ve had, I can come up with more enjoyable ways than playing a drinking game.

Dinner went pretty well too. There was no vegetarian BBQ option, so I stuck to the salads and vegetables again. I skipped the bread, but treated myself to a brownie bite. Desserts are my big weakness, I’m happy to admit that. Whenever there’s a cookie or brownie platter after a meal, I just cannot say no. I’ve been in situations where I did not end up enjoying the treat because it was simply not that good and then be annoyed that I “wasted” Weight Watchers points on them. But THIS brownie? Wow. It was one of the best I’ve ever had in my life. I totally wanted to go for a second. (The bites were literally just a bite.) I’d been doing so well all day and I’m proud to say this: I managed not to go back for a second brownie, no matter how much I wanted it. I had my treat and that was going to be it.

In the meantime, I had some good conversations, which is a big thing for me. I’m not the most outgoing person and large crowds sometimes give me anxiety. I just don’t do talking to strangers very well. I’ve become really insecure ever since I came to the US, constantly wondering whether people like me or not.

There’s this new guy on my team that I think is kinda cute. He’s got a deep voice, which I find very attractive in men and I think he’s also pretty good-looking. I don’t have a lot of dating/relationship experience because I grew up in a body I never felt comfortable in and because I didn’t know how to love and accept myself. This is starting to change and the idea that somebody else finds me lovable is no longer as foreign to me as it used to be. This is a big thing for me and it’s part of the new person I’m becoming. Still, I’m pretty awkward when it comes to talking to guys I like, when it comes to showing interest without being in their face or even recognizing when someone else is showing interest in me. Mostly that’s because I still see myself as the girl I was at my highest weight. I sometimes don’t realize that I’ve lost all this weight and that I’m actually somewhat pretty now (and potentially that someone else might find me attractive.) I know it’s all just in my head because clearly, the people that know me now didn’t know me before, and even if they did, all they’d see now is an amazing transformation that took willpower and dedication. They don’t see the “fat girl” anymore, they’ve never known her. I, however, haven’t realized yet that that girl is gone for good. So yeah, it’s difficult for me.

So today, the fact that I spend a good amount of time talking to my cute co-worker is a really big thing to me. Of course a couple of minutes in, we talk about living in NY where he mentions that he just moved into an apartment with his girlfriend. At least he’s not married like the last guy I started liking. Maybe, one day I will actually meet someone who’s single. Maybe.

I should’ve been in bed 45 minutes ago because I want to run tomorrow morning, so my Weigh In Tuesday post will have to be quick.

After last week’s birthday festivities, I put on weight just like I had expected. I gained 1.4 lbs and somewhat unexpected, I am absolutely okay with that. Would I have preferred to lose or maintain? Sure. Am I upset over the gain? No.

I had an amazing time last week, I ate lots of great food, shared tasty drinks in wonderful company and still was active and healthy. Overall, it just seemed really worth it. Maybe not necessarily best for my body, but good for my soul and mental well-being. I’m back on track now and I know I can work off what I put back on. And then some more.

It is weigh in Tuesday and I’ve lost another 0.8 lbs. I was potentially hoping for a little more, given how I was not really eating two days last week when I was sick and even on the days I did, I stayed within my daily limit (not needing my weekly allowance points). However, I’m also PMSing and feeling bloated and I haven’t been exercising at all, so I guess I’ve just been reminded that the scale is a snapshot of the moment. It’s all good. I’m now at 151.2 lbs (68.6 kg) and considering that I’ve started my weight loss journey at the beginning of the year at a weight of 195.8 lbs (88.8 kg), this is an amazing achievement and every ounce I lose is a huge success. My scale victory for this week is that I’ve officially crossed the 20 kilos mark. I never thought I was going to achieve this. I still can’t believe that I’m wearing a size Small now. I’ve been wearing a Large most of my life, sometimes even having to go up to an XLarge. Is this really me?

The upcoming week is going to be tough and I’m fully prepared for a gain. I have a dinner tonight and on Thursday with work and then it’s my birthday on Saturday. I have Friday and Monday off, and for Friday, we’re headed to Clinton St Baking, one of my favorite NY spots to eat pancakes. For my actual birthday, there’ll probably be dinner at some point and while I don’t want to pig out entirely, I don’t want to be a nazi about calories or Weight Watchers points on my birthday. Does that make me a bad fitblr? Maybe. But it’s my birthday once a year. I’m still feeling a little weak but this week, I’ll also try and get back into an exercise routine. That should keep the damage somewhat low.

Btw, the other day I tried this recipe (broccoli-quinoa-seitan salad) and while I liked it, I didn’t love it. There was something off about the roasted broccoli, so maybe next time I’ll have to steam the broccoli and season it somehow.

For the second week in a row, I’ve had a really good weigh in. I lost 2.2 lbs this week, despite eating a large, late dinner last night. I’ve been getting sick (fever, headache, sore throat, the whole shebang) since Sunday and haven’t exercised since Saturday. I was also gone for the weekend, drank quite a bit, didn’t always necessarily make the best food choices, so color me surprised when the lady at Weight Watchers told me how much I’d lost. Overall, July felt like a good month to me, considering the challenges I faced. Let me look at my July goals in particular:

• Get down to 150 lbs. I’m currently at 155.8, so it’s nearly 6 lbs in 4 weeks. My last July weigh in will be on 8/2. Doable? Hopefully! — As of today, I’m at 152.0 lbs (68.94 kg), so I didn’t make this goal. I had a large gain (1.8 lbs) early July which made this really hard. I’m more than happy with 152.0, especially after all the dinners, Happy Hours and events got put on my calendar. Considering the extremely busy, full-of-temptation kind of month I had, I consider getting down to 152 a huge achievement.
• Exercise 5 times a week. — Nope. I managed to exercise 5 times a week in the first week of July, then I got busy and fell back to 3 times a week.
• Mix up the exercise a little more. I’ve been running a lot and while I LOVE running, I feel like I should add in some more yoga and possibly start swimming to make sure my routines stay effective. — Also a nope. The first week, I went swimming and did yoga, but then I started slagging off. I’ve still done mostly walking and running.
• Eat cleaner. When I cook for myself, I’m fine, but whenever we have lunch/dinner/happy hour provided for us, it’s a little tough. I can’t skip those functions because it’s part of my job. However, I will try and make the best out of those situations. — I think I did fine on this. There were a couple of instances where I asked for a side salad instead of fries when ordering a sandwich, when I ditched the fries as they were passed around the table, where I went for the raw vegetables during happy hour instead of the cheese and crackers. I’ve not always been good at portion controlling, quite honestly, but I’ve given my best.
• Try at least two foods I have never tried before. Be that two fruits, two veggies, grains, spices, etc. — Yup! I’ve done that one. I’ve tried quinoa, which I liked but didn’t go homgcrazy over. I’ve also tried nectarines and plums, both which I loved.

I think I fucking rocked it. :) I lost 1.6 lbs, which brings me to 154.2 lbs. Weird number, right? However, it is significant to me.

It’s 69.94 kg, meaning, I am finally under 70 kg! This is officially the smallest I have ever been in my adult life. I went to Italy for a year in 2002/03 and quite honestly, that was the worst thing I could have done to my body back then. I put on A LOT of weight. I was never a skinny girl to begin with, but going to Italy was the icing on the cake. I’ve always been an emotional eater and I was unhappy a large portion of my trip. I’ve also been a glutton and it’s no secret that Italian food (real Italian food) is some of the best in the world. I’m still an emotional eater and a glutton. I’m simply aware of it now and I’ve learned how to deal with it (mostly). When I came home for my Christmas break in 2002, I guess I was around 90 kg (198.4 lbs), though I don’t know for sure. It might even have been 95 kg. I never had the guts to step on the scale more than once. All I remember was that it was something with a 9 in the front. It was sort of an eye-opener to me and I got my shit together, started portion controlling, making better food choices and started exercising. I lost weight, started feeling better and more confident. I started college in 2003 and I kept with my weight journey in the first few months, managing to slim down to 70.something kilos. I can’t remember what my exact weight was, but I remember wanting to just. drop. a. few. more. grams. to. a. 6. in. the. front. I never did. Instead, college turned into a nightmare (not a happy time for me), stressed me the fuck out and I put it all back on. My weight has been fluctuating ever since sometimes dropping to the mid-70s, but never as low as in 2003.

Until today. Today I kicked that stupid 7 in the face. Take that, weight! I am officially more awesome than you are.

That said, I have one more week to achieve any July goals because 8/2 will be my last official July WIT. I don’t think I’m doing too well. Meh. On a happier note, I will be treating myself to these two dresses/cardigans:

Cuto, l right?

Today I learned the following lessons:

• I need to stop obsessing over might weight and need to stop letting the scale define me. The number on the scale does not define who I am, how healthy I am and how good a choice I make day in day out when it comes to nutrition and exercise.
• I lost 0.4 lbs despite the week I had. This is a great success for me. Basically, it means that once I’ve reached my goal weight and go into maintaining, I won’t have to sacrifice being social and living a little. Yes, I will have to continue portion controlling and I will have to continue making choices (instead of eating/drinking everything), but I will be able to manage. I will not have to sit at home all week, not being able to go outside, meet my friends to share dinner and drinks. Last week was extreme, but I managed because I gave my best to be smart about the choices I made, planned ahead and made the best out of the situation. I can do this after all.

• I’m not seeing the change anymore. With my weight loss going slower and me seeing myself every day, it’s been harder for me to actually see the change. The only thing that changes week on week is the number on the scale. I think this is why I’m getting so obsessed over it. Whereas when I look at myself in the mirror on Monday I will feel I look the same as I did last Monday, even though I possibly “lost weight”.
• Compared to back home, my weight loss is going slooooooow. I’ve lost a total of 9 lbs since the beginning of May (11 weeks). That’s a weekly average of 0.8 lbs. Which is good, mind you. However, back home I lost about twice as much on a weekly average and it’s frustrating me because I wanted to reach my UGW by September and quite frankly, this is not happening. Now here’s what I need to understand and accept:
  1. My lifestyle in the US is different. I go out for dinner more often and I drink more alcohol. Unless I’m willing to make sacrifices – which I only can to a certain extent, and don’t want to another – I’ll have to accept that this’ll slow down my weight loss. What’s more important? Becoming skinny fast or trying to nourish friendships, make new friends, cultivate business relationships and live a little?
  2. My living situation has changed. I no longer have some of the luxuries I used to have at home. When I lived by myself in a nice, big apartment, I had a big kitchen with a big fridge and freezer to myself. Cooking was something I loved to do and that was actually fun. And with cooking I mean more than just steaming a bunch of vegetables or making an omelet. That said, my situation is different now and I need to accept that I’m sharing cramped space now because this is what I wanted. I need to accept that my roommate has just as much right to the fridge as I do – even if all she uses it for is sugared soda, heavily processed food like cakes or fried chicken take out. I’m judging again, I know. Cooking is just not as much fun if you don’t have the right utensils or even the space to store them to begin with. Or the counter space to cut and prepare things.