Daily Wahnsinn

The last two weeks have been so crazy and I’m extremely grateful that it’s Friday and that Friday is also almost over. We found out last week that unfortunately there had to be layoffs at work – my boss being one of them. As you can imagine, the team spirit was really awesome afterwards. Also unfortunately, his work ethics took a dip pretty much immediately. He’s never been very accountable for his tasks and kept missing deadlines, but since he found out that he’ll be leaving, it’s become worse. Since my work ethics are very different from his, I’ve spent the last 1.5 weeks picking up his slacking, finishing decks he was supposed to finish. Deprioritizing my own tasks, so that I could take care of his stuff. It’s been a few very unhealthy days in terms of workload and in terms of sleep.

On top of everything, I also found out that I’m being moved to another account. This move is non-negotiable. I felt extremely awful at first. I had just moved onto my current account about 6 months ago. It’s really inefficient, a lot of processes are in place that waste time (especially, the time of people who have not implemented those processes), the client product is difficult to understand, but after 6 months I’d started implementing some changes and I felt we were finally getting there. I felt like we were improving. I also felt like I was showing my value to my peers. And quite honestly, I was frustrated by the fact that I’d have to start all over. Again. And I was concerned that I’ll have the 4^th manager in 2 years. The first one didn’t stick around long enough to see me develop. The second made it very obvious that she liked everybody else on the team better than me (i. e. getting me promoted was not on her list, not even at the very bottom). The third thinks highly of me, but is now leaving. I just wanted some consistency and get that fucking promotion. There are so many peers and partners that tell me they’re surprised I’m still at my level and that they thought I’d have a more senior position. It’s been incredibly frustrating. While I do appreciate that I still have a job, especially after last week, I also know that I’m underpaid for the work I do. And finally I felt incredibly awful because they’re firing someone on the account I’ll be working on and I’ll be replacing her. I’m taking somebody’s job. Somebody who just moved from Philly to NY a month ago for this job. (When I told my therapist about me feeling so awful about it, she made a comment about how nice/good a person I am. But quite honestly, I just think I have empathy. I can relate to this girl. I imagine what she is currently going through and I think it just takes being a human being to not feel happy about taking somebody else’s job.)

I’ve had a little over a week to digest everything that’s going on and I’ve started becoming really excited about my new team. I met with the new team I’ll be working with and everybody seems so nice. They actually do team stuff together. It’s finally a different, new industry. And it’ll be good. I’m just hoping they’ll start figuring out a transition plan soon and that it won’t be another case of work 100% on two accounts for a couple of weeks – like last time.

On the bright side, my eating has been ok during the last two weeks, given the stress I’ve been under. I set myself a goal of 1,200 net calories in a day (which puts me at a deficit of ca. 500 calories), but I’m also allowing myself to go over a little bit if needed. I had to go over a little the last couple of days, but I still managed to be in a deficit. So even if I’d eaten at a maintenance level, that still would have been better what I usually do whenever I go through crazy stress. I. e. putting on additional weight. So go me. I actually went from 155.5 lbs to 149 lbs in January and I’m looking and feeling better again. So much better.

I saw a psychiatrist to prescribe me a mild anti-depressant & sleeping aid to hopefully help me with my nightly waking up. I definitely have some form of insomnia because I should not be waking up every night. That’s probably not very normal. I’m still testing the dose a little bit. The lowest dose doesn’t keep me under. If I take too much, I get headaches and a bit of drowsiness. (I took two pills last night for the first time ever and it knocked me out so much – but strangely still didn’t make me sleep through the night – that I missed my run this morning because getting up was too much of an effort. I’ll have to try less again tonight.)

My workouts have been consistent and surprisingly strong, given the lack of sleep and the level of stress. During last week’s bootcamp at the gym, Bishop made us work extra hard because he was going to go away this weekend and would miss a couple of sessions with us. He wanted to make sure we’d get a good workout in. (It had been a while that I had to just sit there for a while after a workout before I could get up again. It was a challenge, definitely.) My yoga practice has also been really strong. My chaturangas are getting better. My binds are getting better. My lizard is actually looking somewhat like lizard pose now.

That said, I have about one more month until the ToughMudder in Miami and I’m extremely terrified. My fitness took a dip in November and it’s not been the same ever since. I’ll do the ToughMudder with a bunch of people who are all fitter and stronger and faster than me. I know we’re a team and I know we have a great team mentality. They’re not going to leave me behind. But maybe this is what I’m scared of? I know they could finish a lot stronger without me. What if I’m holding them back and they resent me for it?

On the brighter side, I have a few fun things coming up: Lululemon warehouse sale tomorrow & a race on Sunday. I haven’t raced since October, I think and I’m looking forward to get into the spirit of that. I’ve also decided to finally get serious about getting the new tattoo I’ve wanted for so long. I’m seeing a tattoo artist in February to discuss my ideas with him, whether he’ll be a good fit, how much it’ll be, etc. Excited!

I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of things I’m forgetting! I hope you’ve all been doing great.

If you ever feel bloated and uncomfortable, just go to a J.Crew store and try on their No.2 Pencil skirt. I tried on both this and this skirt in a size 2 and neither fit. They were out of size 0s (haha, me, a 0! LOL!), so I couldn’t buy them. The material was gorgeous though! I ended up buying this (in neon pink) and this (royal violet) instead.

I also got this blazer, shirt (black & white) and pants (vervaine) at the Gap. 

Thank God for my tax return. 

My plan for tomorrow after the race will be to sort through my closet and put together a bag of things to drop off at Goodwill or to throw out. Clearly needed at this point. 

After yesterday’s 9-miler having been so awful, today was a repeat performance of equal awfulness. I had planned for 12 miles and I barely made it, but I did. I’m not going to bother with too many stats, instead I’ll try and understand why I’ve been struggling so much on my runs lately.

I was actually quite excited when I headed out the door. Today was the NYRR NYC Half, so I thought Central Park was going to be crowded and I’d better run a different route. I decided to run along the Hudson River, down to the Battery. It’s my old course from before moving neighborhoods and I was excited to go back. Especially since the weather was going to be nice. The course is mostly flat and I thought it would be great for my confidence. 

I started my run and for one reason or another, I just couldn’t get into it. It didn’t take me very long to realize that it was going to be another long struggle and I hated it. The only thought on my mind was how I felt miserable and how I wanted to stop. I did run the first 6 miles without stopping, then I refueled, turned around to head back home. I guess if I hadn’t been all the way at the far end of Manhattan, I might’ve called it quits and just cut my run short. But I was quite a few miles away from home and the only way to get there was to suck it up and start running again. The next 6 miles were miserable and I had to slow down to a walk twice. 

I don’t know why this keeps happening. It should have been 12 “easy” miles. I’ve done 13 miles without stopping at all before. I don’t know why everything longer than 8 is giving me such grief these days. I’m sure that some of it is mental. Some of it must be just in my mind. But some of it also felt physical. I’m blaming the fact that I’ve worked too much and slept too little lately. At one point, I felt so slow as if I were moving backward instead of forward. I started hurting all over and I don’t like it. Running is supposed to be fun, not something I suffer through.

My half is in less than a month and I’m quite frankly terrified. I feel in absolutely no shape to run a half marathon, let alone one that is a tough course. Quite honestly, I don’t know what to do. Suffer through and just hold on? Reduce miles and feel even less ready (especially, when the training plan that I’m following only half-heartedly tells me that I need to increase weekly mileage)? I don’t know.

To make myself feel better, I headed to Anthropologie and Uniqlo and bought myself some new clothes. So much for saving money.

My day in le forme du bullets:

• Went to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning and I’m really starting to enjoy the monthly weigh ins. Not seeing the weekly, instant feedback on the scale doesn’t make me feel any less accountable for my actions and my decisions. It doesn’t make me try any less hard to lose the last couple of pounds. But it does take away a lot of the stress and heartache bad or mediocre weigh ins have caused me in the past.
• We talked about negative talk in the meetings today and everybody who knows me will confirm that I’m the Queen of Beating Myself Up. If that were a kingdom. If I have one talent, then it’s being hard on myself and beating myself up over my “faults”, “weaknesses” and “mistakes”. It was interesting to see that, obviously, I’m not the only one, but that a lot of other people are hard on themselves for the same reason I am: it protects you in a way.
• After the meeting, Steve, my meeting leader, approached me and Emily, another girl in our Tuesdays group, and asked whether we’d be okay with leaving our email addresses because he’d like to nominate us for the Weight Watchers Success Stories. If we get picked, someone from WW will come talk to us, get our story, they’ll do an official photo shoot and feature us in the magazine/weekly booklet they give out. How cool would that be?
• Throughout the day I struggled to meet yet more deadlines and work on yet more client-fire drills. At one point I snapped at my supervisor (I apologized later), but her hovering over me did not make me complete my tasks faster. 
• After work, we got taken out by a publisher for an event. As stupid, stressful, awful, inhumane, boring, every-other-negative-word-you-can-think-of my job can be, it definitely has also its perks and fun sides. Being treated to fancy restaurants is something we’re used to by now. Sporting events or shows somewhat too. Tonight a publisher that we’ve already spent significant amounts of money with this year took us to Earnest Sewn in NY’s Meatpacking District to buy us new jeans. I ended up with a black pair of their Decca style (I think, they kept it to have it tailored) and holy, I’d never in my life spend that much on a pair of jeans, but hey, they’re free!
• I also drank a small glass of wine and ate two gigantic slices of pizza. I do feel a little bad about it, but I started making up for it by walking home instead of taking the subway.
• The weather is gorgeous in NY today. It’s warm and it feels like spring. It’s beautiful. That walk was needed for more than one reason.
• When trying on jeans, I felt super conscious about my body. I tried them on in a size 27 and they were too small, so I sized up to a 28. They still sit tightly and I don’t know, working with so many skinny girl and me with my big runner’s thighs just made me feel very self-conscious. I kept scrutinizing my body in the mirror. Meh. I also realized today that my shoulders that have always been broad, started looking even bigger. I also have a gigantic rip cage. I still have quite a bit of softness around the belly, but my rips already poke out. My imperfections, perfectly aware of them today.
• My kitchen scale died and me being as obsessed with numbers as I am, I was totally freaked out. I realized that it was only the batteries and indeed, after buying new ones, my scale has come back to life. Phew. I also bought a card that I’ll send to my parents some time this week to just generally say thank you and that they haven’t put me up for adoption when I went through puberty. I was a bratty teenager. And I have wonderful parents. I figured it doesn’t hurt to let them know. 
• I realized I have a lot of clothes but I don’t have a lot of clothes that actually fit me very well. Maybe it’s time to go through my wardrobe, get rid of the things I never ever want to fit in again (apart from a few items of “memorabilia”) and generally make room for new things that I will fee good in.
• I’ve been somewhat awful when it comes to exercising during the last week. I took two rest days last week and also didn’t work out yesterday. This morning I didn’t either, so though you could count tonight’s walk as a workout. I have to run tomorrow.

I found the most amazing thing. I’ve been wanting to buy myself a little reward for hitting the 50 lbs mark but I didn’t really know what to get. Today I stumbled across this on Etsy:

Isn’t it amazing? It’s a bib/medal hanger set. It’s from this store. It’s perfect. It reflects everything that my life has become, the giant change I’ve gone through that played a major role in getting me to where I am now. Not only has running helped me lose weight, it’s helped me be a happier, more balanced and stronger person. It’s part of the new me.

I could get used to this long weekend kind of thing. Today was off again and the fact that I have two more days of doing nothing ahead of me is pretty awesome. I will have to do some work tomorrow (that I should have done today), but it shouldn’t take too long.

It seems I have no self discipline when it comes to spending money this month. Having bought a new bed, mattress and having had to increase my credit card deposit, left me horribly over budget. I tried cutting back all other unnecessary expenses (Starbucks, etc.) and I’ve been mostly fine. I had told myself that I was not going to do any shopping for Black Friday but I dunno, I was weak.

I’ve been feeling so good about the way I look lately, catching myself in the mirror so many times and thinking Damn, you ARE pretty and just generally feeling very confident in my skin, that I’ve wanted to buy some new (non-running) clothes. I’ve been wanting skinny jeans for a while and I feel like lately I’ve finally reached a level of confidence where I can wear them with pride, despite my imperfections. So today I went out and bought a pair of skinny jeans. For the first time in my life ever. For some of the girls who read this, this might not be a big deal. Maybe because you’ve been slim all your life. Or maybe you’ve lost weight but it was a long time ago so you don’t really remember what not being confident feels like. Or maybe you’re just one of those awesome girls who are confident - period. I wasn’t. Skinny jeans would never have been something I’d even have the courage to try on. (I also bought a sweater and a basic white shirt, however I did resist a few other items I wanted but really do not need.)

I then headed to the madness of Macy’s. Oh God. At one point I thought I was going to die. Or get arrested for randomly punching people. It was SO busy. I knew they had good sales today and there are quite honestly a few things I just need. Like a duvet cover for when my friend comes to visit in December. (Holy shit, why is bedding so expensive in the US???) I also bought a large pan, because what my roommate has is cute but not suitable for making anything bigger than two fried eggs. I also bought some storage containers because I’ve been cooking more and we don’t really have any containers for the leftovers.

(I made a broccolini - mungo beans - tempeh stir fry for dinner tonight. My first time ever making/trying tempeh. It was delish. Wow. Thank God for three more portions in the freezer.)

Today the assembly guys from West Elm came back and finally put together my bed. It’s amazing. Other than that, I didn’t do a whole lot today. I wanted to work out but felt like I had zero energy today. I even had to take the train to Macy’s, even though it’s only a 20 minute walk from my apartment. So today got turned into a spontaneous rest day. I have absolutely no plans for tomorrow, except for wanting to go on a nice, long run.

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the first time ever in my life, I have purchased a miniskirt. I have never, never ever owned one. Today, I bought this skirt at J. Crew:

It sits quite tight and it’s definitely a lot shorter than what I’d usually wear, but you know what? I’ve worked hard. I deserve to wear this and I will rock it.

the idea of shopping at a new sports goods store gets your heart rate up.

Athleta (a Gap Inc brand, just like Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic) just opened two stores in Manhattan. It’s only their third and fourth stores and the first two outside of California. I’ve shopped with Athleta through their website before, but only more casual clothes. With functional workout clothes, I have this thing where I want to touch the material before I even consider buying it.

I went to their store in the Upper West Side and I really liked it. It’s a good-sized store with a good selection of their products. The staff was super friendly and helpful. Their clothes remind me a little of Lululemon’s clothes in terms of fabric, style and color, yet without the ridiculous Lululemon price tag. That said, I still ended up spending a fair amount, but I was also able to return an item I had ordered online and wasn’t going to keep. So that took quite a bit off my bill. I ended up buying these things:

I almost also got a pair of running shorts, but then I remembered that I actually have enough and that I should rather invest in items I actually need. I have my first ever race coming up in less than 2 months and as it approaches, the days of skipping runs because of less than ideal weather will become less and less. So I thought another pair of capris, a zip up hoodie and a running cap are the wiser investment.

Today’s rain totally fucked with my workout plans for the day. I had decided last night that on top of the workout DVD this morning, I wanted to do a lot of walking. I like walking in the city and I had today off, so it was not like I was pressed for time or anything. Before I headed to the UWS, I headed to a store in the West Village to buy a new wallet. It takes me about 10 minutes to get there. The plan was that I was then going to walk to the UWS from there (takes about 1 hour). It was raining so badly at times, that by the time I made it to the Athleta store in the Upper West Side, I was soaked. Despite the fact that it had stopped somewhere along the last few blocks. Very unpleasant.

Did my shopping and in the meantime, the rain had picked up again. I was about 1 hour (by foot) away from home and was annoyed because I didn’t want to walk (wet), didn’t want to take the train (MTA), didn’t want to wait it out (hungry, hadn’t eaten in too long). I ended up taking the train and of course, by the time I made it to my neighborhood, it had stopped. So I was annoyed that I spend the money on the train, that I missed on the extra 60 minutes of exercise I would have gotten and just generally being annoyed. *g* I went grocery shopping then, cooked a healthy dinner and now I’m getting ready for bed.

I’m weighing in tomorrow and above all I’m curious what the scale will say. I’m (currently) not stressed out because there’s nothing I can do to change the past and even if the result is bad tomorrow, I’ve been back on track for the last few days and I’m ready to kick some serious ass. I got this.