Daily Wahnsinn

I know I give my body a lot of grief for how it looks, for not giving me the weight I want to see on the scale, for this and this and this. Yesterday reminded me that my body also deserves a lot of love and respect andkudos.

I took my bootcamp class in the morning at the gym. Bishop had us do lots of ab work still. Planks. All kinds of plank jumps and twists that exist and then some he probably spontaneously came up with. Burpees. Pushups. Sit-ups with 25 lbs, leading to burpees and an overhead dumbpress. Then mountain climbers and scissor kicks and leg flutters and everything and more. He really likes torturing our abs. We then also did some upper body work, specifically targeting delts, lats, biceps and triceps.

It was hard. But never once did my body fail me. It didn’t complain (it forced me to take a rest a couple of times, but went back at it without moaning). It didn’t quit our friendship. Because you know what, self, your body treats you a lot better than you treat it. Give your body some goddamn respect and love.

After the class, I ran a little over 2 miles at a 9:13 pace. And at night, I even took a Level 2 - 3 yoga class that includes lots of chaturangas, planks, jumping from downward facing dog into a forward bend and then back into a plank. It includes some really, really crazy bends and binds. And get this, our peak pose was the full wheel. Something you’ve been so, so scared of self. Something you’ve never in your life been able to do because you’re scared of turning yourself upside down and because you don’t have the strength to push through. But last night, after your body had already worked so, so hard in the morning, you almost got it. Twice. A couple more tries and you would’ve gotten it.

So give your body some goddamn love. Love it as unconditionally as it loves you. Accept it. Cherish it. It’s a lot nicer to you than you’ve ever been to it. And no matter how many times you’re mean to your body and no matter how many times you talk badly about it and hate it in front of your girlfriends, your body always loves and forgives and still tries its hardest. It’s time you make some ammends.

My day in le forme du bullets:

• Went to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning and I’m really starting to enjoy the monthly weigh ins. Not seeing the weekly, instant feedback on the scale doesn’t make me feel any less accountable for my actions and my decisions. It doesn’t make me try any less hard to lose the last couple of pounds. But it does take away a lot of the stress and heartache bad or mediocre weigh ins have caused me in the past.
• We talked about negative talk in the meetings today and everybody who knows me will confirm that I’m the Queen of Beating Myself Up. If that were a kingdom. If I have one talent, then it’s being hard on myself and beating myself up over my “faults”, “weaknesses” and “mistakes”. It was interesting to see that, obviously, I’m not the only one, but that a lot of other people are hard on themselves for the same reason I am: it protects you in a way.
• After the meeting, Steve, my meeting leader, approached me and Emily, another girl in our Tuesdays group, and asked whether we’d be okay with leaving our email addresses because he’d like to nominate us for the Weight Watchers Success Stories. If we get picked, someone from WW will come talk to us, get our story, they’ll do an official photo shoot and feature us in the magazine/weekly booklet they give out. How cool would that be?
• Throughout the day I struggled to meet yet more deadlines and work on yet more client-fire drills. At one point I snapped at my supervisor (I apologized later), but her hovering over me did not make me complete my tasks faster. 
• After work, we got taken out by a publisher for an event. As stupid, stressful, awful, inhumane, boring, every-other-negative-word-you-can-think-of my job can be, it definitely has also its perks and fun sides. Being treated to fancy restaurants is something we’re used to by now. Sporting events or shows somewhat too. Tonight a publisher that we’ve already spent significant amounts of money with this year took us to Earnest Sewn in NY’s Meatpacking District to buy us new jeans. I ended up with a black pair of their Decca style (I think, they kept it to have it tailored) and holy, I’d never in my life spend that much on a pair of jeans, but hey, they’re free!
• I also drank a small glass of wine and ate two gigantic slices of pizza. I do feel a little bad about it, but I started making up for it by walking home instead of taking the subway.
• The weather is gorgeous in NY today. It’s warm and it feels like spring. It’s beautiful. That walk was needed for more than one reason.
• When trying on jeans, I felt super conscious about my body. I tried them on in a size 27 and they were too small, so I sized up to a 28. They still sit tightly and I don’t know, working with so many skinny girl and me with my big runner’s thighs just made me feel very self-conscious. I kept scrutinizing my body in the mirror. Meh. I also realized today that my shoulders that have always been broad, started looking even bigger. I also have a gigantic rip cage. I still have quite a bit of softness around the belly, but my rips already poke out. My imperfections, perfectly aware of them today.
• My kitchen scale died and me being as obsessed with numbers as I am, I was totally freaked out. I realized that it was only the batteries and indeed, after buying new ones, my scale has come back to life. Phew. I also bought a card that I’ll send to my parents some time this week to just generally say thank you and that they haven’t put me up for adoption when I went through puberty. I was a bratty teenager. And I have wonderful parents. I figured it doesn’t hurt to let them know. 
• I realized I have a lot of clothes but I don’t have a lot of clothes that actually fit me very well. Maybe it’s time to go through my wardrobe, get rid of the things I never ever want to fit in again (apart from a few items of “memorabilia”) and generally make room for new things that I will fee good in.
• I’ve been somewhat awful when it comes to exercising during the last week. I took two rest days last week and also didn’t work out yesterday. This morning I didn’t either, so though you could count tonight’s walk as a workout. I have to run tomorrow.

Cut for womenly’s doctor TMI.

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Ugh. I feel so fat and ugly today. I know it’s just bloating and the fact that I ate a lot (of healthy food) after my 10 mile run yesterday. I also know that my 0.2 lbs gain was not a real gain. But damn, I feel awful.

Not sure when I became that person, but I went to bed last night, actually looking forward to getting up at 5:30 this morning because it meant I was going to run. Who does that? Hah.

So this morning, I went for a 5 mile run in Central Park. It was still dark when I headed out just before 6 and there were only a handful of people in the park. I did my usual loop (from CP South up to the Met, across the Great Lawn and back down), with the only difference that I looped around the Great Lawn twice. My legs felt extremely heavy and I thought I was going slow. Despite having to walk for about two minutes after my second Great Lawn lap, I ran everything at a 9:46 pace. I was rather pleased with myself.

I had a little scare moment when I came out of the shower and had this immense urethra pain (tmi, sorry). It passed after a few minutes but while it lasted, it hurt so much I thought I was going to be sick. I never had anything like that before and I didn’t think I’d done anything different (run differently, eaten or drank differently, etc.) It was weird and I still don’t know what to make of it. I felt completely fine as soon as it passed. It was so weird.

Despite already having been up for over 4 hours, I feel strangely energized and awake. And hungry.

I’m ready for this day!