Daily Wahnsinn

I’d forgotten how much being a girl sucks sometimes. I’d mentioned in the past how my strict dieting and exercising had led me to amenorrhea and how I finally let my OBGYN put me on the pill to fix my messed up estrogen levels. I haven’t had a period in 1.5 years and I’ve also been mostly PMS symptom free. It’s something I’ve not been complaining about. However, the lack of menstruation also puts me at higher risk of osteoporosis and as much as I hate taking medication of any kind, osteoporosis is not something I want to deal with as I get older. I’m the kind of person who will not take Advil until they’re so miserable they can barely walk. I make such an effort to eat natural, local, seasonal and generally healthy that putting any kind of chemicals in my body just seems counterproductive.

That said, when I weighed my options, I had to think about this comic I saw passed around the fitblr community where the doctor asks his patient what better fits into his schedule, 30 minutes of daily exercise of being dead 24 hours a day. I realized it’s a little bit like that. I might not like taking artificial hormones, but it’s the lesser evil if the alternative is osteoporosis later on.

I’ve been taking the pill since last Friday and while my doctor advised me that I might experience side effects and that it would be nothing to worry about, I have not been prepared for this. The last couple of days have been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I’ve gone from happy-I-could-hug-a-stranger-on-the-street to I’m-so-sad-I’ll-just-start-crying-for-no-apparent-reason. And I loathe it. My periods have always been accompanied by mood swings and I can truly and honestly say that I have not missed them. I hate how miserable the pill makes me feel. Yesterday, I felt so amazing. I felt skinny and strong and sexy and confident. Today I feel sad and lonely and fat and undesirable and noone’s-ever-going-to-marry-you-so-just-give-up. It’s also making me crave carbs, carbs, carbs and yet more carbs.

I know it’ll take my body a while to readjust. And I’m perfectly aware of how the long-term positive effects outweigh my momentary discomfort. I’m a rational person. I think things through. I do pros and cons. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get extremely upset with the here and now, where, quite frankly, all that I’m experiencing is something I hadn’t really experienced in 1.5 years and that I’ve certainly not missed.

On top of that, I’m starting to freak out about this Sunday’s half-marathon in Central Park. It’s going to be a difficult course, in fact, the same course that my first half-marathon was one, the one that I had such a poor experience doing. My last long training run was 15 miles and I ran the course I will be running on Sunday. It was the perfect run. I wouldn’t have PRed my half marathon time, had it been the official race, but I would have beat my previous time for the course and most importantly, I had a great time doing that run. I felt physically and mentally strong and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. When I tried another 10 miler last weekend, I had to cut it short because I was too exhausted and decided to not push myself this close to the race.

I’ve officially started tapering today after I did a short 2.5 mile run yesterday and I won’t work out at all today until Saturday. I’m freaking out.

Like probably everybody who’s had to taper for a race before, I’m second guessing whether I did enough, whether I did the right kind of workouts, whether I should have run more, less, faster, slower, etc. I didn’t follow a training plan and I’m concerned it’ll come back to bite me. I obviously just want to make it through the race, have a good time and potentially beat the official time from the first half-marathon. Today I saw that one of the guys I worked with in Germany has run his first half marathon ever. He finished in 1 hour 45. To me this is crazy fast. It might not be much to some of the more seasoned runners who read this and who have also done full marathons. But man, to me, that’s fast. I’d be happy if I ever managed to break 2 hours. I don’t know why but somehow, seeing this only has agitated me further. I know I have nothing to prove to anybody. I know that I’m running this race for me. I also know that men are usually faster runners than women. But still, I feel like I should be faster than I am. I don’t know why, but I’m intimidated. Like crazy.

The worst thing probably is that I still have a few more days to stress even more and get yet more agitated. I know what I need to do. I know I need to taper. Possibly stretch a little every day. Eat a few more carbs, try to sleep as much as I can this entire week, not just the night before the race. And then rest, rest, rest. But damn, no matter how many times you do this, you never stop freaking out.