Daily Wahnsinn

I almost don’t want to talk about it, but after this morning’s weigh in was less than stellar, I need to get down to the bottom of my issues and finally get over with it. So I gained 1.8 lbs in the last 4 weeks since I last weighed in at the end of April. 2 lbs, not that much, right? Well, it is if you’re supposed to go in the other direction, when you’re supposed to lose the last 8 lbs and finally reach goal.

My gain puts me back to 139.4, still under 140, but still almost 9.5 above where I want to be.

Why did this happen?

I’ve become lazy. Simple as that. I’ve become lazy in tracking my food intake, lazy in being accountable, lazy in being always honest and accurate with myself. Instead, I’ve started doing a lot of guesswork, estimating portion sizes and points values (often giving them points values that I think they should have, hi there, delicious chocolate dessert!), I stopped tracking fruit (hi, fructose!) and vegetables and I fell back into a midnight snacking habit. I oftentimes ate more than one portion of vegetables and fruits, proving that yes, you can also gain weight if you eat too much of the good stuff.

Why did I become lazy?

I’m tired. I’m tired of having to watch what I eat all the time. I’m tired of tracking and being meticulous. So I stopped doing it. I hoped that if I slowly slipped into a mindful eating habit, I’d be able to find the right balance between enjoyment, regular exercise, healthy diet and weight loss. Apparently that doesn’t quite work for me yet.

I’m content. I look at myself in the mirror and I like what I see. The occasional day aside when I feel bloated, I look at myself in the mirror and I’m honestly able to say, “You look great,” “You’re cute/pretty/gorgeous.” I’m at peace with myself. I have my imperfections but most of the time, I’m embracing them for what they are and I’m able to concentrate on the things that I love about myself instead. This contentment has impaired my motivation. Vanity can be such a strong motivator. I don’t look at myself anymore and think “You really need to lose some more weight”. It wouldn’t be awful if I were to stay where I am.

So what now?

I think I’m going back to more regular weigh ins. I’m not thinking weekly, but maybe bi-monthly. Maybe I need the little bit of extra pressure on the scale. I do want to lose the last 10 lbs. Not because of vanity, but because I want the safety net of being able to fluctuate a little up and down as I maintain. I need to be more accurate with my tracking again, I need to think more before I eat. Am I really hungry or am I thirsty and I just think I’m hungry? Or am I bored? Is it just a craving? I need to get back on track and do what know I’m supposed to do.

My original plan had been to reach goal by my birthday in August. I’m turning 30 and what greater gift could I have given myself than reach goal? It’s another 10 weeks away and with 9.5 lbs to lose, I’m not sure I can do it. My average weight loss has been about half a pound, so bumping it up to almost a pound seems like quite the task. I guess I’ll have to do the best I possibly can.

(On a side note, this month has been intense on the workouts and I’ve done a little more weights than I usually do. I don’t think I packed on 2 lbs of muscle, that seems extreme. However, I would like to believe that some of the additional weight is actually a combination of water/muscle.)